Friday, August 1, 2008

I am going to rehab

Find me one and I will check in. Not Amy Winehouse rehab. No! No! No! Not sad depressed rehab. I think that is a psych ward. Not rehab like that guy from Grey’s went to for calling the other guy a derogatory name. I think that is called think before you speak rehab. Not Lindsay Lohan rehab. I think that is called Jesus Camp. Nope. I am going to rehab for pack rats. I think it is called Clean House.

Since I was young I have known I am a pack rat. This is not an epiphany! Each time I go to an estate sale, which is every weekend (this may contribute to the problem), I think that I should clean out my house so that strangers are not milling about my home postmortem looking at crap from 1974. My house does not look like Clean House, but will begin to in five years. Maybe three.

There are three things that I contribute to my issue.

1.) I am single. Do not get me wrong, I enjoy being single. But, hell, I have four walk-in closets and two credit cards. A girl is gonna shop!

2.) I have an elephant like memory. Seriously. Everything I touch has a moment that I remember how it was acquired. I really do remember who I saw Just Married with on January 1, 2003. (Caitie, Ben, Brains...Caitie and Ben had just gotten engaged.) When I found the ticket for Anchorman, I immediately recalled that I was sitting next to Ricky and Eb called in the middle of the show. I remember picking out my first pair of glasses when I was 11 and yes, I did find them in my bathroom closet. Super hot! I have a 14 gallon Rubbermaid container filled to the brim with only newspaper articles from the fall of the Aggie Bonfire. Each and every set of bedding (four to be exact) since I was 16 is individually wrapped in “bedding bags”. This does not include my current master bedroom or guest bedroom stuff...therefore the total is 6 sets. I have not one, but two, TWO bags of bags. Now you may be thinking, what? Not kidding. At one point I thought that I would reuse every. single. bag. I ever received while shopping. I was going green before it was cool. Unfortunately, that just meant that I now have a collection of no less than 100 bags in my guest closet. Speaking of collections. Evidently, I truly enjoy chairs, despite the fact that I work, read, watch TV, eat, and sometimes sleep on my couch. Regardless of this issue, I have TWELVE chairs in my house! My two bedroom house. WHAT?! WHY?! No more than two of them are a matching set by the way. I also only have one outside door because my house is like a brown stone walk-up. Hopefully that door may see one of my five wreaths that are all handmade...handmade in 2000 when I moved into my college apartment. That means those wreaths have been moved five times. College apartment, mom and dad’s, mom’s, my new apartment, then current location. Five times! Do not even get me started on the cell phones, remotes, owner’s manuals, and cords that have not been used since Al Gore invented the internet. And OH MY GOD the craft supplies!! Oh, the craft supplies. Have I mentioned that I HATE crafting? But it all has so many memories to me. Memories back to my single digit ages. I guess I should probably get a journal. Oh wait, I have seven empty ones!

I get it; I have a problem.

3.) But I like to blame others. So, my third reason is because I am a proud American. We are the land of the free, home of the brave, and keepers of China’s crap. Even if it says Taiwan. (A little history lesson. We, being the US, actually recognized Taiwan as "China" for decades because of the oppressive government of mainland China. We refused to work with the mainland and would only work with the “independent” island nation. It is complicated, but there is a little taste. Just a bit of trivia to Tai-wan over. Badump cha. There are lots more where that one came from :)) We have created such awesome products as the hula hoop, skip-it, Rollerblades, and free weights in every size, shape, and color imaginable. All of these things were in one of my closets...covered in dust. We have kitchen gadgets like mix and bake bread bowls, apple coring things, juicers, and the “lean, mean, grillin’ machine” from George Foreman. I mean, who has not busted that sucker out at the dinner party? Classy! I own all of this crap!! Props to all the inventors out there because I will buy what you are selling. Oh, and the crazy sales people at the state fair. I can not wait to see you guys in October now that my cupboards are clear. 55 days people!!

Again, let me mention that most of this stuff has moved multiple times in its lifetime. What is mentioned here is just scratching the surface of the junk I have found. I mean rediscovered. Have no fear. It has all been tossed, sold, or given away. Ok. Most of it.


Just say Julie said...

Hahahahahaha! I think I peed my pants reading that...

You are so out of control! We only have 6 dining chairs and 2 other chairs (recliner and office). And there are 3 of us! But you saw how much stuff I packed versus how much I gave to the Goodwill folks when you and Monica helped me move. Just remember the first step is admitting you have a problem :)

surliness=godliness said...

shockingly, I don't remember that phone call...imagine that.

Lisa said...

Hey girl! I'm really good at getting rid of stuff. I usually have a garage sale once a year. I have a sort of rule that if I haven't used it in over a year then why keep it. However, I do break the rule often.

Anyhoo, if you can't decide where to start give me a call. I'm really good at delegating.

Oh and about your crazy memory... I couldn't agree more. I have a terrible memory (which has gotten worse with the birth of each of my daughters). I bet you remember more about my life in high school then I do!!!

Columbia Lily said...

this was good. Nice to see you are being productive...see, there are things better than teaching summer school!