Attention Black Friday Shoppers

Hello fellow midnight madness shopper! It was great getting to know the back of your car, oh you back there, and your headlights shining into my car, too. Did you know that your brights were on, cause I sure did. Well, after staring at your bumper to avoid going into a seizure because of your brights in my rearview, I am glad that the hour plus of literally inching into the parking lot is done. We have all three found a spot. It is 1:15 in the morning. Let the shopping commence! Lovely not chatting with you one because we were in separate cars and two I do not speak Korean. Have fun!

On to meet new friends. Why hello crazy ass that drove no less than three hours to get a plain green sweater on sale for 20% off. It is so good to see you spending your hard earned money in my state. How about those low gas prices? Great, huh? You enjoy that sweater with a little Ralph Lauren polo horse monogrammed on it. Well, see you in forty-five minutes when I will walk past this store and you will still be in line. Have fun!

Oh look, an adorable child in a stroller. WAIT! IT IS 2 AM! WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR KID DOING SHOPPING?! Is 40% off really that big of a deal? Please take her home and her eight or nine year old brother too. Please stop chastising them and asking him to stop crying. Just imagine you are an eight-year-old boy and your mom wants you to try on clothes at 2 am! Nothing says fun like that scenario. GO HOME!

Thank you kind Banana Republic employees. You truly were a delight to work with this morning. You have been nothing less than efficient and accommodating. Seriously. Your sale was enjoyable as well. Thank you for $658 worth of clothes for $312.

Hey mother nature, turn off the faucet! The 3 AM downpour was not cool, but thank God I did not park in the field across the street. Sucks to be impatient.

Hey, real life friends that I have not seen in months. Fancy meeting you here at this ungodly hour of the morning. Don’t you worry. I looked past the pajama bottoms and sweatshirt. To be honest, I was a little jealous of your comfy attire.

4:30 am trip to Wal-mart? Why of course! I would give a shout out to my new friends that came in the dark and left in the early morning mist, but to be honest, you people were on a mission. Your motivation brought the whole extended family and spread it out around the store to get everything from electronics to clothes to toys. I envy your drive and efficiency!

Shout out to the three other people that were with me at Old Navy. Thanks for helping me pick out colors for my two new cashmere sweaters for a cool $20. ‘preciate it!

I hope that you all know that I say this with love. YOU ARE CRAZY! Yes, I am among you, but I am healthy glass a day crazy. You, with the kids, are straight up crazy. You, the urban camper, who has been outside of Best Buy for 36 hours, are crazy on the rocks. And you? The guy that took a gun to the toy store or got pissed when they closed the store because there was a fatally injured person in the entranceway? Well, I just do not know what to say about you.

Until next year, yall! It was lovely seeing you, do not call me, I will call you, and lets keep the kiddies tucked in next year.